If yesterday’s emotion was rage, today must be stupid. Cheyne made a fool of me for two years, pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Trying to be the person he thought I wanted him to be. I’ve wondered today how many times he must have laughed behind my back. How many times he watched my car back out of his driveway so he could light up a cigarette. How many relationships he sabotaged because he was so desperately trying to keep me for himself …
He spent last Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my family. I hadn’t wanted him to be alone until he got his kids Christmas Day afternoon. I knew how sad it could be waking up alone at Christmas and so I invited him to my family celebrations. They welcomed him and together we all ate and drank, exchanged Christmas toasts and opened gifts.
When he and I had dinner with my sister’s family recently, my nephews ran to him immediately. They bypassed me altogether in favour of a fist bump, throwing their arms around his legs in an attempt to cuddle. He integrated himself into my family and among my friends because he was “such a nice guy”.
But it was all fake. He wasn’t what he made himself out to be. And to me, who he claimed to adore, respect, care about, admire and love – he lied to me constantly. He put his girlfriend on the hook and dangled her there casually while he worked out if I would finally take his bait. If I would finally succumb to his ardent desire. He led her along as his Plan B, immediately retreating to where she was waiting when I told him he and I weren’t going to happen. He used her. He manipulated her and for what? An obsession. An infatuation.
I frequently busted him looking at me when we hung out. He would openly stare at my arse and my boobs, watch me walk into another room like a creeper. It became a running joke. He would say something about how beautiful he thought I was, how exquisite, how amazing and I would immediately respond “fuck off”. We said it so often, he started to beat me to the punch, giving me some outrageous compliment before mimicking me to say “fuck off”.
But the joke was just that he was a creep. A pathetic, lonely, lying creep and I the absolute idiot for believing him.