Letting go of what’s bad for me

Going cold turkey is never easy. The first couple of days I am buoyed by hurt and anger, steadfast in my decision, confident I deserve better. By day four, my resolve starts to weaken. I find myself thinking of you in the shower, in the car, watching TV, eating breakfast. I start to check my... Continue Reading →

How to find your zen, again

A quiet is starting to settle back over me, almost like waking up breathing freely after a cold. The snot has all been shaken loose, and I can draw clear, deep breaths. There’s a stillness in my limbs as though a fluttering bird is resting. Lighter despite inevitably rounding out the year weighing more. Ha,... Continue Reading →

The pursuit of happiness

Happiness takes effort. This was my takeaway from yesterday’s session with my psych. I’d told her that I had given up dating for the rest of this year. I am exhausted and frankly, sick of talking about it, writing about it, worrying about it. The energy it has consumed could be channelled so much more... Continue Reading →

Why is simple so hard to find

I wrote this last week to him ... the words are still resonating. Sometimes I wonder why I treat myself the way I do. "As you’ve rightly pointed out previously, there’s nothing to say we’d even get along were we able to actually date or whatever. But I’ll never get the chance to find out... Continue Reading →

Old habits are hard to break

Sometimes I truly believe in the power that thinking about someone can evoke. Those shit motivationals about positive thinking, and what you put out, you get back kinda stuff. The feel-good post on Pinterest that endlessly does the rounds on my feed suggesting that if you’re laying awake thinking about someone, they are laying awake... Continue Reading →

‘Cause the players gonna play

The lesson from the universe this month seems to be “trust your gut instinct”. Too many occasions since A, I have ignored my gut and paid for it in negative consequences. This morning I have woken up knowing that, yet again, I should have made better choices when my instincts were urging me to. From... Continue Reading →

Timing … we never had it

A few weeks ago, we had a video chat. It was late on a Saturday, maybe even Sunday morning by the time we hung up. We’d each been drinking but it was tiredness that made our eyes red and heavy. You were in your bed, and I was in mine. Hundreds of kilometres separated us but... Continue Reading →

How to stop self-fuckery becoming sabotage

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It was mostly ridiculous but the tears came anyway. I tried to remember the last time I had cried over a man. It was probably Married but it feels like forever ago instead of four months. This year has flown and yet nothing has really happened. I mean,... Continue Reading →

You may call me Mistress: Part 2

Ready as I was ever going to be, I ordered him to the bedroom where I met him with a long kiss. I gripped the riding crop in my right hand and roughly grabbed the cage encasing his cock with my left. I whispered in his ear: “Are you ready to play, my slutty little... Continue Reading →

You may call me Mistress: Part 1

He answered the door wearing his collar, like I’d told him to. A muffled clink gave away the secret beneath his clothes. He’d been wearing the cage around his cock since early that morning, after admitting he touched himself when he woke up. It was now 7.30pm.  I sidestepped around his welcome kiss and put my... Continue Reading →

A gentle domination

Tied to the bed by my wrists and ankles, I was at his mercy. Perhaps I should have been more afraid given how little I knew him. But something about him was innately gentle despite the bag of floggers, paddles, gags and toys next to the bed. He struggled with the restraints, admitting he was... Continue Reading →

Dating 101: Finding a dark horse

A last minute date. Nerves. It had been awhile. The banter, while good, hadn’t been going for very long. An exchange of jokes rather than the banalities of our jobs, the weather ... Still, it was unexpected to find myself at his front door. Even on the drive over I considered texting an excuse. Staying... Continue Reading →

Wanted, enquire within: unqualified men to lick vagina

Imposter syndrome. It’s a HR term most women can probably relate to and I’m guessing most men don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s usually applied to people who feel unworthy or unqualified for positions, even once they are appointed. They are haunted by this syndrome of always fearing they will get “found out” for... Continue Reading →

Latched on and letting go

I was recently reminded in a very loving and gentle way that when you keep making the same mistakes over and over, it starts to piss off the people around you. They love you and all, but it’s that whole “if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same result”. Well,... Continue Reading →

Save a sext, ride a farmer

An unexpected surprise from being back on the dating apps is the past lovers who slide back into your DMs and into your life. A little over two years ago I was seeing the farmer, a super lovely divorced guy a few years older. We dated about six weeks, a true summer lovin’ romance that... Continue Reading →

Spinning in circles

Break ups aren’t easy, even when they are what you wanted. This person who was this huge part of your life is suddenly gone. You have to rediscover your routine, your sleep, your meals. Everything you used to do together is now alone. There’s no one to talk to about your day, no one to... Continue Reading →

The Rock Climber tells me why he loves me

He told me he loved me at three weeks. It fell out of his mouth as we waited for our taxi to take us from the pub to Maccas for late night nuggets. We'd been on it all day - drinking, pinging and fucking. I put it down to an "I love you man" moment;... Continue Reading →

The Rock Climber – Part One

They say that when one door closes, another door opens. After saying goodbye to the love of my past life, again but less spectacularly this time, my door to real happiness seems to have finally opened. It’s early days yet but it has consumed my life for six weeks now. It happened the day after... Continue Reading →

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