Old habits are hard to break

Sometimes I truly believe in the power that thinking about someone can evoke. Those shit motivationals about positive thinking, and what you put out, you get back kinda stuff. The feel-good post on Pinterest that endlessly does the rounds on my feed suggesting that if you’re laying awake thinking about someone, they are laying awake... Continue Reading →

Happy Not A Father’s Day

The moment I realised how terribly my infertility was affecting my ex-husband was on Father’s Day in 2015. He posted this picture on Facebook which at first glance appears to be a celebration of not being a dad. It’s a reference to an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Barney celebrates a... Continue Reading →

All by myself

A few days ago, I decided to do what everyone does at Christmas-time and actually book accommodation on the coast somewhere. It’s not something I’ve done since I was a kid with my family but with year the way it has been, it’s likely to be the only kind of holiday I’ll get. As I... Continue Reading →

Timing … we never had it

A few weeks ago, we had a video chat. It was late on a Saturday, maybe even Sunday morning by the time we hung up. We’d each been drinking but it was tiredness that made our eyes red and heavy. You were in your bed, and I was in mine. Hundreds of kilometres separated us but... Continue Reading →

When hope holds you back

My psych asked me yesterday if I had considered calling him to tell him how I felt, suggesting that maybe he thought I wouldn't answer a call from him. Or what would I do if he contacted me and told me it was all a mistake. What would I do if he contacted me in... Continue Reading →

Wise words from my friend

On Friday night I had a crash. Not spectacular by my standards but a descent into a pretty dark place. I was halfway through icing 100-plus gingerbread men for my family’s Christmas in July dinner (last night when he met them). Icing bag poised in mid-air, I couldn’t breathe. I dropped the bag into the... Continue Reading →

And just like that

He broke up with me tonight after meeting my family. I’m a bit of a mess.

How to stop self-fuckery becoming sabotage

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It was mostly ridiculous but the tears came anyway. I tried to remember the last time I had cried over a man. It was probably Married but it feels like forever ago instead of four months. This year has flown and yet nothing has really happened. I mean,... Continue Reading →

How not to talk to a childless woman

It was six years this month since I found out I would never conceive using my own eggs. Six years since I fell into a deep depression, had weeks off work, starting drinking at 9.30am and cried every day. Next month, it will be six years since I started seeing a psychologist regularly to work... Continue Reading →

How to lose your self-esteem in four words

A boy sent me an unsolicited message. I call him a boy and not a man for reasons that will soon become clear. The boy’s opening message says “hey gorgeous, how are you and why on earth are you single?” It’s Monday morning and I’m forever too open. “The same reason that anyone is single, I guess.... Continue Reading →

Wanted, enquire within: underqualified men to lick vagina

Imposter syndrome. It’s a HR term most women can probably relate to and I’m guessing most men don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s usually applied to people who feel unworthy or unqualified for positions, even once they are appointed. They are haunted by this syndrome of always fearing they will get “found out” for... Continue Reading →

Latched on and letting go

I was recently reminded in a very loving and gentle way that when you keep making the same mistakes over and over, it starts to piss off the people around you. They love you and all, but it’s that whole “if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same result”. Well,... Continue Reading →

Save a sext, ride a farmer

An unexpected surprise from being back on the dating apps is the past lovers who slide back into your DMs and into your life. A little over two years ago I was seeing the farmer, a super lovely divorced guy a few years older. We dated about six weeks, a true summer lovin’ romance that... Continue Reading →

When your greatest strength becomes your weakness

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling lately. Like many of us, I’ve found myself turning to professional services for support and advice. Last night found me on the Lifeline website, which strangely I have never visited before. They had a text line that didn’t appear to be working but I found it interesting to... Continue Reading →

Spinning in circles

Break ups aren’t easy, even when they are what you wanted. This person who was this huge part of your life is suddenly gone. You have to rediscover your routine, your sleep, your meals. Everything you used to do together is now alone. There’s no one to talk to about your day, no one to... Continue Reading →

Birthday candles

Today is my birthday. Four years ago today I received my big girl Lady as a gift from my then husband. I'm finding it hard to deal with how much my life has changed since that day. Maybe two weeks later, we had our first "break". I went to stay with my brother on the... Continue Reading →

The Rock Climber tells me why he loves me

He told me he loved me at three weeks. It fell out of his mouth as we waited for our taxi to take us from the pub to Maccas for late night nuggets. We'd been on it all day - drinking, pinging and fucking. I put it down to an "I love you man" moment;... Continue Reading →

The Rock Climber – Part One

They say that when one door closes, another door opens. After saying goodbye to the love of my past life, again but less spectacularly this time, my door to real happiness seems to have finally opened. It’s early days yet but it has consumed my life for six weeks now. It happened the day after... Continue Reading →

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