What happens next

You’re waiting at the top of the stairs for me. I walk up slowly, counting each one as my foot hits the tread. Twenty-one steps in all. I don’t pause at the top but walk straight past you and into your office. You follow me in, watching me walk, stilettos clack against the polished concrete.... Continue Reading →

Letting go of what’s bad for me

Going cold turkey is never easy. The first couple of days I am buoyed by hurt and anger, steadfast in my decision, confident I deserve better. By day four, my resolve starts to weaken. I find myself thinking of you in the shower, in the car, watching TV, eating breakfast. I start to check my... Continue Reading →

Never have I ever

Maybe because it's overcast and drizzling rain but my mood is all bad teenage poetry today. I'm totally aware how pathetic it sounds and how poorly it's written but all that combined speaks to the way I feel right now. Indulge me in my melancholy. We’ve shared a bed but never a meal.We’ve exchanged messages... Continue Reading →

How to find your zen, again

A quiet is starting to settle back over me, almost like waking up breathing freely after a cold. The snot has all been shaken loose, and I can draw clear, deep breaths. There’s a stillness in my limbs as though a fluttering bird is resting. Lighter despite inevitably rounding out the year weighing more. Ha,... Continue Reading →

The pursuit of happiness

Happiness takes effort. This was my takeaway from yesterday’s session with my psych. I’d told her that I had given up dating for the rest of this year. I am exhausted and frankly, sick of talking about it, writing about it, worrying about it. The energy it has consumed could be channelled so much more... Continue Reading →

This is the story of when a girl met a boy

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy like each other. Girl and boy have several dates. Girl and boy don't fuck. Boy tells girl he's worried he's not good enough. Boy stops messaging. Girl ends it with boy. Girl messages boy. Boy is happy to hear from girl. Girl asks if they can try again. Boy... Continue Reading →

Why is simple so hard to find

I wrote this last week to him ... the words are still resonating. Sometimes I wonder why I treat myself the way I do. "As you’ve rightly pointed out previously, there’s nothing to say we’d even get along were we able to actually date or whatever. But I’ll never get the chance to find out... Continue Reading →

Old habits are hard to break

Sometimes I truly believe in the power that thinking about someone can evoke. Those shit motivationals about positive thinking, and what you put out, you get back kinda stuff. The feel-good post on Pinterest that endlessly does the rounds on my feed suggesting that if you’re laying awake thinking about someone, they are laying awake... Continue Reading →

Happy Not A Father’s Day

The moment I realised how terribly my infertility was affecting my ex-husband was on Father’s Day in 2015. He posted this picture on Facebook which at first glance appears to be a celebration of not being a dad. It’s a reference to an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Barney celebrates a... Continue Reading →

All by myself

A few days ago, I decided to do what everyone does at Christmas-time and actually book accommodation on the coast somewhere. It’s not something I’ve done since I was a kid with my family but with year the way it has been, it’s likely to be the only kind of holiday I’ll get. As I... Continue Reading →

Timing … we never had it

A few weeks ago, we had a video chat. It was late on a Saturday, maybe even Sunday morning by the time we hung up. We’d each been drinking but it was tiredness that made our eyes red and heavy. You were in your bed, and I was in mine. Hundreds of kilometres separated us but... Continue Reading →

When hope holds you back

My psych asked me yesterday if I had considered calling him to tell him how I felt, suggesting that maybe he thought I wouldn't answer a call from him. Or what would I do if he contacted me and told me it was all a mistake. What would I do if he contacted me in... Continue Reading →

Wise words from my friend

On Friday night I had a crash. Not spectacular by my standards but a descent into a pretty dark place. I was halfway through icing 100-plus gingerbread men for my family’s Christmas in July dinner (last night when he met them). Icing bag poised in mid-air, I couldn’t breathe. I dropped the bag into the... Continue Reading →

And just like that

He broke up with me tonight after meeting my family. I’m a bit of a mess.

How to stop self-fuckery becoming sabotage

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It was mostly ridiculous but the tears came anyway. I tried to remember the last time I had cried over a man. It was probably Married but it feels like forever ago instead of four months. This year has flown and yet nothing has really happened. I mean,... Continue Reading →

How not to talk to a childless woman

It was six years this month since I found out I would never conceive using my own eggs. Six years since I fell into a deep depression, had weeks off work, starting drinking at 9.30am and cried every day. Next month, it will be six years since I started seeing a psychologist regularly to work... Continue Reading →

How to lose your self-esteem in four words

A boy sent me an unsolicited message. I call him a boy and not a man for reasons that will soon become clear. The boy’s opening message says “hey gorgeous, how are you and why on earth are you single?” It’s Monday morning and I’m forever too open. “The same reason that anyone is single, I guess.... Continue Reading →

Wanted, enquire within: unqualified men to lick vagina

Imposter syndrome. It’s a HR term most women can probably relate to and I’m guessing most men don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s usually applied to people who feel unworthy or unqualified for positions, even once they are appointed. They are haunted by this syndrome of always fearing they will get “found out” for... Continue Reading →

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