For all the tears I held in before

Ever have one of those days where you wake up crying? Drive to a meeting crying? Cry outside the meeting, cry in the bathroom at the meeting venue, cry on the drive home, cry at home? Where you cry when someone asks you a question or you have to speak about a job you loved so much and now you’re leaving because you can’t see a future there?

Today has been a crying day and I don’t tend to have a lot of those anymore. I push everything down pretty tightly. It’s a neat little box of grief all squished up like a vacuum has sucked all the air out. You only need a little pressure to be released, a little suction to be compromised, and all that grief pours out in great fountains of tears.

Today I have lost all my tightly held control. All the feelings that haven’t been felt, all the hurts that haven’t been talked about, all the pain that hasn’t been expressed, it’s out now, cascading down my face in a salty avalanche.

It is cathartic in its way although my hands are shaking. It’s been a big week of emotions. I’m looking forward to getting out of my head and into the mountains.

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