A diagnosis for dating failure

My doctor told me I need to stop giving parts of myself away to people. I thought that was a pretty insightful observation from a man who was checking out my tonsils for infection. The appointment had been made several weeks earlier for a time after work, but as it turned out, I came down... Continue Reading →

How I lost my way. Again

I think about you more than I should. I know it’s dangerous territory to be playing in but I can’t seem to help myself. Our time together is finite and I know it will likely end sooner than I would have it. But when you left me this last time, to return to your family,... Continue Reading →

I am not myself these days

I’m procrastinating today, which is often the case when I write. I’m avoiding uni work, ignoring my looming deadline to complete my ethics application and research proposal. The fact is my research topic bores me. I mean, I can see the merit in it, but it’s less interesting to me than drinking coffee in the... Continue Reading →

Finding love in a crowded igloo

I’ve resisted writing explicitly about online dating for a long time because it’s been done to various degrees of death and dying. However, my latest ventures back into the online pool have been different. For starters, I’ve actually given Bumble a proper go which seems to be yielding a better quality of men if not... Continue Reading →

Sniffing around for sext

It was almost 24 hours to the minute since I ended it with Jake and it started. Random, unsolicited messages from men I hadn’t spoken to in months began to appear in my inbox. Friend requests from men I’d chatted to for maybe a week once on Tinder. Men who I was into once upon... Continue Reading →

Game of cat and married

He and I have been chatting for three months. He is married and should know better. Don’t be like him. And don’t be like me. It wasn’t my intention to chat to a married man after the disasters of a couple of years ago. Lies, affairs, secrets, bruises – of a physical and mental nature.... Continue Reading →

Thinking of me, thinking of you

It took me days to realise I was actively not thinking about you. I could feel the mania setting in – the insatiable need for distraction, to be busy, to be occupied. I spent hours on social media, trawling the same stories again and again, refreshing apps impulsively looking for a hit, a rush, something... Continue Reading →

The break up test: relief or sadness

“So, which is it? Relief or sadness?” “I don’t know.” When someone says they don’t know how they feel when you’re breaking up, it means they feel relief, and don’t want to admit it. Everyone is hurting enough already. Why tell them you’re relieved it’s over as well? Relief or sadness. Relief and sadness. Rarely... Continue Reading →

The tale of the pretty little slave

“Do you like that my pretty slave?” “Yes master.” “You like it when I pull your hair?” “Yes master.” “Tell me how much you like it.” “I love it when you pull my hair, master.” My hands were bound, white rope biting my wrists, its length tied to the bed head, taut. My arms were... Continue Reading →

Three men and a mountain

10 November 2017 I fucked three different men on this trip. I’ve thought a lot about why, my motivations, what I got out of it and enjoyed about it. And I’ve decided that it was because I wanted to. With Shane and Bryan I had a near instant attraction. Craig was more a slow burn.... Continue Reading →

Those three little words

There’s something magical about someone saying they love you for the first time. Your mouth widens involuntarily into a stupid grin, your heart beats faster and you giggle like a schoolgirl at a slumber party. At least that was the case when J said it to me yesterday. It took me by surprise given we... Continue Reading →

Climbing a mountain to nowhere

5 August 2013 Our summit attempt was to begin at 4am from 5,300m. I hardly slept it was so cold. I had thermals on, heat pads, an arctic-rated sleeping bag and still I was cold. And scared. I had wanted this my whole life and I was terrified I was going to fail. Unable to... Continue Reading →

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