Finally growing up in lockdown

In high school, when I needed to do some thinking, I used to save it up for my shifts in the bakery. I mostly worked weekends but once I was in uni, I picked up shifts through the week as well. The monotony and repetition of bagging bread rolls, tagging products, busting out frozen dough... Continue Reading →

The sound of warmth

I didn’t walk this morning, the first time in many weeks where the thought of getting out of bed was too much for my head to handle. I scrolled through the overnight news on Twitter and the world felt dark. Bleak. There was so much sadness and tragedy unfolding around the globe and here at... Continue Reading →

Fuck the friend zone, that fucker is dead to me

Have you ever wanted to vomit someone out of you? Expel every memory and conversation and purge yourself of everything you thought you knew? My alleged best friend of more than two years, Cheyne, is a liar. Not just a liar, a pathological cheat, manipulator and deceitful cretin. A pathetic, lame excuse for a man... Continue Reading →

Sad things from my drafts folder

I found this sitting in my drafts folder, something I'd written back in January after Tom forgot my birthday. Old news now but it's a good insight into depression. Today I got up and showered. I put on make-up and even half-heartedly dried my hair. I put on a nice summer dress and took myself... Continue Reading →

Facebook official

I have neglected my writing due to a combination of work craziness and laziness. I also recently picked up a side gig of tutoring so between that, my full-time job, and my copywriting side hustle, I’m exhausting all my brain power to bother to write words for myself. But, I decided this year I was... Continue Reading →

Falling up

It’s pretty common for me to fall down after a high. My psych told me to set up lots of small highs rather than a few big ones to stop the fall from being so severe but it doesn’t appear to be working. I completed my learners motorcycle course today but, as seems to be... Continue Reading →

A high distinction for an ethical conundrum

For those playing at home, I received my marks back for my research undertaken for my Masters this week. I received a high distinction which gives me a final GPA of 6.83 out of 7. I believe this not only makes me eligible for a Dean's award for this past academic year, but I think... Continue Reading →

Punished by the memories of broken relationships

We punish the men in our future for the mistakes of the men from our past. And this is why I got dressed in the dark and drove home from his house at 3am. I had been laying awake for hours. It occurred to me that every night I had stayed there we had downed... Continue Reading →

And the Boy still doesn’t want the Girl

My avid readers might recall the Boy from my Boy meets Girl tale from late last year. After it ended quite suddenly and without explanation, I quit the dating apps and gave myself until the new year to have a break and reset. As it happened, I had no sooner logged back on on 2... Continue Reading →

How to find your zen, again

A quiet is starting to settle back over me, almost like waking up breathing freely after a cold. The snot has all been shaken loose, and I can draw clear, deep breaths. There’s a stillness in my limbs as though a fluttering bird is resting. Lighter despite inevitably rounding out the year weighing more. Ha,... Continue Reading →

The pursuit of happiness

Happiness takes effort. This was my takeaway from yesterday’s session with my psych. I’d told her that I had given up dating for the rest of this year. I am exhausted and frankly, sick of talking about it, writing about it, worrying about it. The energy it has consumed could be channelled so much more... Continue Reading →

Why dating and hypomania don’t mix

I have quit the dating apps. Yes, I know, it’s about fucking time, and certainly not the first time I’ve said I would. But, they are gone, and my profiles have been deleted. It’s made me realise how much time I wasted on swiping, on responding to messages that went nowhere, of being grossed out... Continue Reading →

When hope holds you back

My psych asked me yesterday if I had considered calling him to tell him how I felt, suggesting that maybe he thought I wouldn't answer a call from him. Or what would I do if he contacted me and told me it was all a mistake. What would I do if he contacted me in... Continue Reading →

Wise words from my friend

On Friday night I had a crash. Not spectacular by my standards but a descent into a pretty dark place. I was halfway through icing 100-plus gingerbread men for my family’s Christmas in July dinner (last night when he met them). Icing bag poised in mid-air, I couldn’t breathe. I dropped the bag into the... Continue Reading →

How to stop self-fuckery becoming sabotage

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It was mostly ridiculous but the tears came anyway. I tried to remember the last time I had cried over a man. It was probably Married but it feels like forever ago instead of four months. This year has flown and yet nothing has really happened. I mean,... Continue Reading →

How not to talk to a childless woman

It was six years this month since I found out I would never conceive using my own eggs. Six years since I fell into a deep depression, had weeks off work, starting drinking at 9.30am and cried every day. Next month, it will be six years since I started seeing a psychologist regularly to work... Continue Reading →

How to lose your self-esteem in four words

A boy sent me an unsolicited message. I call him a boy and not a man for reasons that will soon become clear. The boy’s opening message says “hey gorgeous, how are you and why on earth are you single?” It’s Monday morning and I’m forever too open. “The same reason that anyone is single, I guess.... Continue Reading →

Latched on and letting go

I was recently reminded in a very loving and gentle way that when you keep making the same mistakes over and over, it starts to piss off the people around you. They love you and all, but it’s that whole “if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same result”. Well,... Continue Reading →

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