Patterns of my life

There’s patterns of behaviour, of events, of situations that seem to shape my life. In four days I will finish up at the job I have (mostly) loved for the past three years. I say three years because on Thursday it will literally be three years – to the day – since I started in that job.

In six days, I will fly out for Nepal to trek to Everest base camp and three weeks since my most recent relationship ended.

Last year, my relationship ended two weeks before I flew out to Europe for work. The break-ups themselves were completely different to one another.

I have accepted three jobs in the past four years that have seen me starting my new gig immediately after an overseas or interstate trip booked several months before a new role was even in the making.

Are these patterns normal for everyone, or am I reading too much into things, looking for coincidences where there are none?

What I am sure of, is that it creates this huge flux in my life – a time of intense upheaval and challenge. I’ve lost my relationship, my support person, right when my life is about to change radically with a new job. I’m doing handovers and brain-dumping out the past three years of work while organising gear, packing and training.

I feel anxious and somehow completely disassociated, like I am watching it all happen to someone else.

The changes in my life are positive ones – the new job is a dream that I can shape and mould and the salary is just plain ridiculous. I still can’t believe it’s real.

The trip back to Nepal is balm – I want to be back in those mountains, staring up with incredulity at those snow-capped peaks, eating momos, freezing my arse off and being totally content.

The loss of my relationship … it really should be harder except I’ve effectively blocked out all feeling. He’s pushing hard for a second chance even though I’ve told him I can’t and won’t forgive him. Forgiveness is about the person who was wronged being able to move on. I think I can do that without forgiving him.

I’m a grudge holder, always have been. I know it will come up, over and over down the track. I can’t forget that he tried to pretend he didn’t have two of his three children. That he deliberately and wilfully withheld information.  His explanations are not and will never be enough to justify his actions. It’s something he needs to work out with some therapy but it’s not my responsibility to absolve him. There are healthy ways to deal with his past but that’s not on me. I’m done taking on his trauma.

He says he still loves me, won’t give up on us. I’ve told him it’s not up to him. I would rather be alone.

I joined a new Facebook group in my area called “Have you dated this guy?”. Women share photos and bios about men they’ve dated who have turned out to be abusive, liars, cheaters, scammers etc. Scrolling through the posts gave me anxiety. I haven’t recognised any of them yet, but it’s only a matter of time. I’m not ready to date again.

I am missing sex. The sex dreams have started which means my body has entered withdrawals. If only I had a holiday coming up …

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