Old hurts cut deep

My sister had a baby girl today. I am crazy excited and can’t wait to smoosh her adorable little cheeks.

I am also incredibly, painfully sad. I have had dreams about being pregnant for weeks now where I rarely had them before.

In my dreams, I am heavily pregnant but have not seen a doctor nor had a scan or test of any kind. I am too frightened they will tell me it’s not real so instead I just get bigger and bigger. The baby doesn’t kick and I worry it’s dead.

In my dream, I am due two weeks after my sister but I haven’t prepared anything. I have no baby clothes or nappies or a nursery. I can’t do anything out of fear it will break the spell and my baby will disappear.

Then I wake up.