Falling up

It’s pretty common for me to fall down after a high. My psych told me to set up lots of small highs rather than a few big ones to stop the fall from being so severe but it doesn’t appear to be working.

I completed my learners motorcycle course today but, as seems to be my pattern, I felt nothing. I can get my learners now, which was one of my goals for this year. Finish my masters, get my motorcycle licence, write a book. I’m two for three but I still feel restless.

I haven’t had a deep plunge for awhile so perhaps I’m just due. Perhaps it’s too much Netflix. I’m watching Homeland for the first time, having missed it when it was on TV, and the heroine’s bipolar is triggering.

I’m supposed to be on leave this week but I’ve ended up having to work already and will again on Friday. I’m frustrated that I can’t step away for even a week. This project was meant to be in hand by now but instead it’s just launching. I need a break but I need to stay focused. I’m angry but resigned. It’s … unpleasant.

I love my job, my bosses … they’re amazing. They gave me a pay rise last week, a big one. This is the longest I’ve been in the same job since 2016 and maybe that scares me a little. Settling or settled?

I’m struggling with my relationship with the Tortoise, if you can call it that. Two months but I feel like no time has passed. I’m not sure it’s progressing. I feel wholly insignificant. He was too tired to see me tonight. Is that even a thing?

Perhaps my expectations are too high. I’ve honestly lost all perspective. The last few years have been a rotation of married men, fuck buddies, one night stands and narcissists. I don’t know what’s normal anymore, I’ve stopped trusting my gut.

I’m seeing the signs … the urgency to drink and shut down. I’m falling asleep during the day. My mind is tired.

That bloody Dean Lewis song has been stuck in my head for days. “I’m breaking down, but I’m falling up”.

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