The moment I realised how terribly my infertility was affecting my ex-husband was on Father’s Day in 2015. He posted this picture on Facebook which at first glance appears to be a celebration of not being a dad.
It’s a reference to an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Barney celebrates a close call with a casual fling not being pregnant.
But I knew that, for my ex, this was his way of saying “today is hard”. He’d posted it quietly, before I was even awake. When I saw it in my newsfeed, my heart cried.
Now every year on Father’s Day, I think of this picture and all the men who wish they were dads, quietly drinking a stiff drink in the dark hours and I wonder if the guilt I feel will ever go away.