A few weeks ago, we had a video chat. It was late on a Saturday, maybe even Sunday morning by the time we hung up. We’d each been drinking but it was tiredness that made our eyes red and heavy. You were in your bed, and I was in mine. Hundreds of kilometres separated us but in some ways, it felt like we were there together.
You said you loved me, not as some soppy, romantic grand gesture but as someone who has known me a long time now, someone who’s read my diaries, someone who knows me quite well. I said I loved you too and I meant it.
You were my first date after separating from my ex-husband, my first foray into the world of dating apps. We dated for a while, but I wasn’t ready to commit then. It was too new, too fresh. I got scared and pushed you away.
Our timing was always problematic. Over the next year, we seemed to fall in and out again for short bursts mostly fuelled by sex.
I still remember reading the letter you wrote me when I went to Nepal. I read it on the plane on the way over and it made me laugh. It affected me in an unexpected way.
I climbed that mountain and along the way read many letters from many people and apart from the one from my dad, yours is the one I remember most fondly. Most profoundly. That walk gave me a lot of thinking time, a lot of soul searching. I missed you.
When I was back in Kathmandu, you’re the one I messaged most days – for company, for comfort. It was suddenly lonely travelling alone. I found the bottom of my hole again while I was there. You pulled me out. You probably don’t even know you did.
I wanted to try with you. I wanted to give what we had always been so half-arsed about a real chance. But, like I said, our timing had always been a bitch.
When I came home, you weren’t interested. We drifted apart again. I started dating someone, the Farmer. He was emotionally unavailable – just what I seemed to go for in those days. He and I were exclusive, but the term was applied loosely, probably because we both knew it was going nowhere.
In the middle of that, you and I met for drinks, like old times. You stayed the night and we had KFC the next morning to quell our hangovers. While I was with you, the Farmer invited me to come and visit. I could see on your face you didn’t want me to go. But I was loathe to fall back into some ad-hoc arrangement with you. I needed more. The Farmer wasn’t it, but I didn’t think you were either. Old patterns and all that.
Then, I moved. I moved hours away and started dating someone else. It failed, like they all have, but we messaged randomly now and then to say hi.
After my relationship ended, we messaged more regularly but it was usually sexual in nature. You at the other end of the phone asking for photos or videos or to watch you. It grew old quickly. I felt used. Like a piece of meat. I got angry at you and we didn’t talk for a while.
I invited you to come and visit over and over. Always you promised you would, but you never did.
And that’s the way it has been for about two years now. And then we had what I thought was a genuine night a few weeks ago. No bullshit, like we finally got it.
And then you tested me. You tried to call me one Friday night and I didn’t answer. I text you that I had company.
Can I watch
He’s not into that
I love that you are…
Or one off
Just chilling with Netflix. Nah we dated last year.
Like potentially long term
….actually, what’s Netflix
What? Who long term?
Well, was referring to him
Wanna do it
You? I can’t even get you to visit for a weekend
Well I’m fkn 38 in like 2 days. I’d move and lock down with you dumbo
I’ve asked you to a few times with no take up
Worried about you getting bored with me
You’re the fkn intellectual alpha
I gotta be comic rekiefy
I would def think it’s the other way around
My music knowledge is non existent and music is life to you
You write beautifully
Music is intangible
Lol not drunk
Seriously that’s what you think of me
You scare me
You’re that smart, sexy and open
You won’t even visit me
I’d probs never leave
That what you want
I don’t think that’s what you want
Yep you want me
Is this a game
And that was it. Until the next day when you finally replied.
Think I was just pushing you a bit.
See how far we’d get.
How was the company?
So a game
No, just seeing how honest we’d get
I’ve only ever been honest with you
Yes, meant more about myself maybe
But you said I scare you
In the sense that you’re all or nothing sure
I’m so wishy washy
Like don’t get me wrong, I do fkn want you
Look, this is where I’m at
I’m trying to be honest too
Yep I get it
I’m not sure what the point of this was
…I’ve been thinking out loud maybe
But why? We were fine and now it’s weird
I wasn’t trying to weird it up. Sorry x
I forgot your birthday. Timing. We never had it.