How to lose your self-esteem in four words

A boy sent me an unsolicited message. I call him a boy and not a man for reasons that will soon become clear. The boy’s opening message says “hey gorgeous, how are you and why on earth are you single?”

It’s Monday morning and I’m forever too open.

“The same reason that anyone is single, I guess. I’m unlovable.”

Boy writes: “But you’re supper (sic) good looking”.

I bite.

Me: “Gee, I’m so glad I studied and got a great job and try to be a nice person when all this time I could have got by being super good looking.” (Who knew this whole time I was actually Derek Zoolander?)

Boy: “What’s wrong with that? I don’t know anything about you but your pics lol”.

Me: “Well, I’d like to think there’s more to me than being attractive.”

Boy: “Fuck lighten up hun. No wonder you’re divorced. Waste my time.”

This boy is 27. This boy is a fucktard.

And for some reason, this boy really got to me. Or more correctly, the line “no wonder you’re divorced” really got to me. It irks me. It troubles me. It makes me fucking mad.

Me choosing not to bat my eyelids at you and engage in a stupid online flirtation does not make me divorceable. Me choosing to think I’m worth more than the superficial praise of a toddler does not make me divorceable. Me choosing to waste your time does not make divorceable.

What made me divorceable was my choice to end my marriage. It was my choice to choose a direction that I thought would make my ex-husband and I both happier. Our marriage may have gone on for another few years. It may have gone on forever. But I chose, and he chose, to divorce. 

I am not divorced because I am super good looking. I am not divorced because I told my ex-husband to value my worth not my face. I am certainly not divorced because I put a 27-year-old fuckhead in his place.

“No wonder you’re divorced” … I don’t like to fly the feminist flag too often but this behaviour … I’m really, really fucking over it.

I cried a little at first just feeling really broken. The walls I throw up began to constrict, curling and folding in on myself to shut out the world. Unlovable. Is it really any wonder that people feel this way?

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